The Chosen Chapter Thirty-Two The Pain That Left My Soul

I’m changing. I feel it inside me. I’m becoming someone I never knew I could become.

I’m walking back to the temple, holding a fish by its gills, barefoot and unafraid. I don’t even look at the ground because I’m too busy looking at Oxóssi walking in front of me. I know who he is. He is the god of the forest. How do I know him? I saw him in my vision of Baba Carlos going into the forest, looking for Oxóssi’s help, asking him to protect Maria.

Suddenly, I remember Alma’s words. Don’t be afraid. Of course I shouldn’t be afraid. In the forest, I’m protected. Oxóssi is walking in front of me, opening the path. I touch the ground. Cold.

He stops. I stop right behind him. I move to see why he has stopped, and there it is, on the ground. A coral snake. He waits patiently for the snake to pass.

“Ksenia, minha filha.”

“Yes, Baba Carlos?”

“You are seeing.”

“Yes, I am. And it’s even better than what I imagined.”

We start walking again. Arriving at the temple grounds, Oxóssi turns left and disappears into the forest. I can hear him running. I can feel his fast steps beneath my feet. I touch the ground. Warm.

“Ksenia, you can take the fish to the women. They will prepare it for dinner.”

“Yes, Baba. I’ll go and see Oxum afterwards.”

“I’ll ask one of the ialorixás to accompany you.”

“No, Baba. I’ll go alone.”

I feel at home. I walk through the temple grounds, through the Sacred Grounds, feeling as though this place has always been my home.

The walk to Oxum’s waterfall is magick. The path becomes narrower as I enter the forest. Tall trees rise around me, their branches joining overhead, allowing only thin rays of sunlight to reach the ground. The light moves through the leaves, painting golden patterns across the earth. Orchids hang from the branches, their petals glowing in shades of yellow and gold. Some are so delicate they look as though they have been made from tiny sheets of gold, carefully shaped into flowers.

The air smells of wet earth, moss and flowers. Ferns grow between the roots of enormous trees, while vines hang so low that I have to move them aside to continue walking. I hear birds singing above me. Somewhere in the distance, water is running. At first, the sound is faint, almost hidden beneath the voices of the forest. With every step, it becomes louder.

The ground begins to slope downwards. I follow the path between large rocks covered in moss, stepping over little streams of crystal-clear water flowing towards the lower part of the forest. Then the trees open, revealing the most beautiful waterfall I have ever seen.

Water falls from a high wall of dark rock, surrounded by thick green vegetation. The falling water spreads into a wide curtain before reaching a large natural pool at the bottom. Sunlight touches the waterfall, turning the drops into thousands of golden reflections. The pool is enormous, almost like a small lake, surrounded by rocks, trees and orchids. The water is so clear that I can see fish swimming beneath the surface and every stone resting at the bottom.

On one side, enormous rocks rise towards the waterfall, forming several smaller natural pools at different heights. Water flows from one pool to another, creating little cascades before finally reaching the large pool below. I can see a way to climb between the rocks and reach the waterfall itself.

I remember Maria. Before entering the sea, she performs a ritual, so I repeat exactly what I saw her do. I sit on the ground, close my eyes and concentrate. I speak to Oxum in my mind. At least, I imagine that is what Maria does.

Then I walk down to the edge of the large pool, take off my clothes and enter the water. The water is sweet. Its temperature is perfect, warm enough to make me comfortable and fresh enough to feel wonderful against my skin. It feels like a cuddle.

I swim towards the middle of the pool. The water is deeper here, and I can still see the rocks beneath me. I take a deep breath and dive. I want to know whether I can stay underwater as long as I did in the sea. I swim down, looking at the fish moving between the rocks. The sunlight reaches beneath the surface, illuminating the water around me, but after a while, my lungs begin to demand air. I have to swim back up.

I can’t stay underwater like I did with Yemanjá. Maybe because I’m not in her presence.

I look towards the waterfall. The smaller pools are above me, carved into the rocks along the side of the cliff. I swim back to the edge and begin climbing. The stones are wet, but I find places to put my feet. Water runs over my ankles as I reach the first pool. I step into it and continue towards the next one.

The sound of the waterfall is much louder now. I can feel tiny drops of water touching my face, carried by the breeze. I climb into another pool, closer to the falling water. Then I hear something.

A woman’s voice. Singing.

At first, I can barely distinguish it from the sound of the water. I stop moving and listen. The voice becomes clearer. It is coming from the waterfall.

She’s singing. She’s waiting for me. I start crying.

“It’s normal. Everybody cries in my presence.”

But this is ugly crying. Different from the emotional crying I experienced with Yemanjá. This crying? I’m bawling. I feel as though every pain, every sorrow I have carried throughout my entire life is coming out of me.

I try to continue walking, but my legs feel weak. The tears keep coming, and I cannot control them. All I want is to lie down, curl myself into a fetal position and cry. Somehow, I manage to reach the rocks directly beneath the waterfall. I need to lie down.

I curl into a fetal position, crying so hard that I can barely breathe. Then something changes. The stone beneath me no longer feels hard. I lift my head. I see her. I’m lying on her.

She is holding me like a baby, singing to me, caressing my hair. Slowly, my breathing begins to calm. I can smell her perfume. I cannot see her eyes. Her face is covered with hundreds of tiny pearls. Her dress is yellow, and she is covered in gold. Her singing calms me. I’m falling asleep.

I open my eyes. I have no idea how long I have slept. She is still here, holding me. I’m no longer crying. All the pain is gone. For a moment, I lie there, waiting for that familiar weight inside my chest, the sadness I have carried for so long. But it isn’t there. I feel light. I feel strong.

I get up and take her hands in mine.

“Thank you, Mother Oxum. I’m ready now.”

“Yes, you are ready.”

She takes my hand and slips a golden ring onto my index finger. I look at it. The band is delicate, but the gold is thick. It feels surprisingly heavy on my finger.

“For protection,” she tells me.

“I think I’ll need protection.”

“We are going to protect you. Now go. Baba is waiting for you.”

We stand up. She hugs me and disappears into the waterfall.

“Ksenia! Ksenia!”

Baba Carlos is calling me.

“I’m here, Baba! Turn around, I’m naked!”

I climb down from the rocks, get out of the water and dress quickly.

“Ksenia, I can see that the pain has left your soul.”

“Yes, it has, Baba. I’m ready now.”

“Not yet, Ksenia. You need all the Orixás with you. But now come, dinner is waiting for us.”

“Baba, did you speak with Maria? Will she come to see me?”

“No, Ksenia. Maria already knows you want to speak with her. She will speak with you when she wants to. We cannot command her to do anything.”

“Why?”

“You need to learn that some powers are not to be called upon. It is better to stay in our place and let those powers call us. When they do, we present ourselves for whatever is needed.”

“But it doesn’t make sense. Why?”

“You will receive the answer when you are ready to continue your journey. You will see it for yourself.”

“But Baba, not even… recognised Maria’s power.”

“That is exactly why, Ksenia. If I were you, I wouldn’t demand to see her without being called upon.”