I hate all this.

I hate this house. I hate all these people telling me what to do, what to wear. I hate Alma for taking my things away, my bed. She took away everything, even my notebook!!!

My diary. My journal. My thoughts are there.

I hate her.

And I’m sure she can see it on me.

I hate Maria. I hate Professor Ward. She should have never given me Lucia’s contact. I should have never gone to Madrid and I should have never accepted to come here.

I hate Maria.

I hate all of them.

“No, you don’t.”

“What?”

“You don’t hate us.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You tell me that you also read my fucking mind?”

“No, I don’t. You said it out loud. I heard you.”

“Oh fuck!!! Shit!! Is it possible that this place is driving me so crazy that I don’t know when I’m thinking and when I’m speaking out loud? Tell me.”

“It takes time to get used to it. But you’ll get used to it.”

“I don’t think so. How long did it take you to get used to it?”

“I’m still working on it. Wait.”

“For what?”

“Just wait. I want to give you something before you go to the temple.”

“I hope you changed your mind and you’re bringing my shoes.”

“Better than that.”

She smiled?

It was the first time I had seen Alma smiling. She was always so unfriendly and serious.

Maybe she was bringing my shoes.

Maybe she would even let me sleep in a normal bed.

She came back hiding something behind her back.

“Here. Take it.”

“My journal?”

“Yes. And your pen. Well, you only had one pen, so I guess it’s your favourite.”

“Yes, it is. I saved for a long time for it.”

I took the journal and the pen from her hand and opened it.

“But this is not my notebook. This is a new notebook. It’s not mine.”

“Well, I took what was in your bag. That’s the only journal that was there.”

“Oh.”

I looked at it again.

A new notebook for everything happening here. For all the things I’m seeing and feeling.

I guess it did make sense.

“Thank you so much, Alma.”

“De nada. I hope you can feel a little more like yourself now. Changes are hard, especially the one you’re going through. You need something familiar.”

“Yes. And this is exactly what will help me. Thank you.”

“Now go.”

“Alone?”

“Yes. I’ll walk with you until the beginning of the trail. Then you must continue alone.”

“But I’m scared. I’ve never walked through a forest alone. And with no shoes.”

“It’s going to be okay.”

Alma took my hands in hers.

Again, I felt that warmth.

Her hands were hot in a pleasant way. The kind of warmth that makes you feel cared for.

Immediately, electricity ran through my body.

She looked directly into my eyes and said firmly,

“Coragem, menina. You must be courageous.”

And I was.

Immediately, I felt it.

In some weird way, Alma holding my hands, looking into my eyes, and telling me to be courageous worked.

Because yes.

I decided to go.

We walked to the beginning of the trail.

I looked at her.

She smiled again.

“Go, menina.”

Holding my journal against my chest, I started walking.

The ground felt so good under my bare feet.

Cold.

That surprised me.

The air was hot and humid, but the ground beneath my feet was cold.

I stopped and touched it with my hand.

Warm.

Alive.

I stood up and stepped on it again.

Cold.

Why?

I walked a little farther and tried again.

The same.

Warm against my fingers.

Cold beneath my feet.

So I lay down.

My entire body against the soil.

Cold.

The air around me was heavy and hot, but the earth was cold, and somehow I felt regenerated by it.

I opened my eyes.

There was a snake on the tree right in front of me, taking care of her own life.

I didn’t mind.

Alma had said they wouldn’t harm me.

So I stayed there watching it move slowly along the branch, looking for a comfortable position, maybe somewhere to sleep.

Then she stopped.

For a moment, I thought she was looking straight into my eyes.

I got up and continued.

The trail became steeper. I had to grab the trees and pull myself upward.

My mind travelled to Jacinta.

I couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to climb this while pregnant and in the middle of that storm.

And then I saw it.

The house of Exu.

The guardian.

From what I remembered, that meant I was halfway through the hike.

I stopped.

It was a beautiful wooden house hidden among the trees. From where I stood, I could see the statue of Exu inside.

Big.

Exactly as I had seen it before.

“Come in.”

Again, a voice.

But this one was different.

Warm.

Gentle.

I entered.

There was a perfume in the air I couldn’t recognise.

Then I heard drums.

Far away at first.

Then closer.

Except nobody was playing them.

The energy inside the house started to rise, and suddenly I felt the need to lie down.

I lay on my stomach and placed my head at his feet.

I’ve never felt comfortable lying on my stomach.

Here it was different.

Then I felt a hand touching my head, and a voice saying words in a language I didn’t recognise.

When you can see perfectly well that no one is there and you still feel a hand touching you, you look.

At the very least, you look.

You turn around.

Maybe you run.

I stayed there.

Because somehow I knew.

It was Exu.

Blessing me.

Welcoming me into his house.

Giving me permission to enter sacred soil.

But how did I know?

I don’t know.

I felt it.

Can I prove it?
No.
I can’t.

And as with everything I’ve studied, it’s difficult to describe something you experience by yourself because part of you doesn’t want to believe it.

But it happened.

You were there.

You felt it.

So you believe it.

And still the questions remain.

How?
Why?

What I cannot explain is what happened after…

“Maria, I told you a million times to stop talking alone.”

“I’m not talking alone, Mamãe. I’m talking with Zita.”

“Stop with this nonsense. You know I don’t like it.”

“But Mamãe, Zita is my witch and she is here talking to me and I love her and I want her close to me. She protects me. She’s always with me.”

“Stop it, Maria. She is a devil! Your father’s fault, bringing us here to this horrible place filled with demons and devils. And now you see them. Come here. I’ll light a candle and we’ll pray to Jesus to liberate you from this devil.”

“No. I don’t want to.”

“Maria, come here immediately. On your knees. Now.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You listen to me now.”

“No, Mamãe. Zita is my witch. She is not a devil or a demon. You stop speaking about her like that.”

Jacinta grabbed Maria by the hair.

She dragged her into the room, took Carlos’s belt and started hitting her.

“Mamãe, please! Why are you doing this to me? Please stop, Mamãe!”

Maria screamed, but her mother didn’t stop.

Felipe, one of her older brothers, heard Maria screaming and ran to see what was happening.

“Mamãe, stop! Don’t do it! You cannot beat Maria!”

“She is possessed. I must drive the devil away from her.”

Felipe tried to hold his mother, but he was only seven years old, two years older than Maria.

When his mother started hitting him, too, there was nothing he could do except cry and scream with his sister.

“Jacinta! Stop immediately!”

“Go away, Carlos. I’m educating the children.”

“Stop now!”

He shouted so loudly that Jacinta froze.

Carlos took the belt from her hand.

He checked his children and told them to go to the temple and ask one of the Ialorixás to clean and check their wounds.

The children slowly got up from the floor.

Holding each other’s hands, they left the house.

“Jacinta, you cannot beat children on sacred soil. You cannot beat children anywhere.”

“I must educate them because you make them grow up in this place, so far from the rules of God. If they don’t stop with this nonsense, then the nonsense must come out somehow.”

“Woman, I’ll tell you once, and you better remember it. You are not to touch any of our children. Not here, not outside sacred soil, nowhere. You leave your bigotry and your sick mind away from my children. You will never use violence against any of them again.”

He moved closer to her.

“And if you do, woman, I hope your God will have mercy on you.

Because my gods won’t.”

“My God knows the only thing I want is to go away from here, but you won’t let me.”

“You can go.”

“I’ll take Maria.”

“Maria will stay here.”

“Maria belongs to the only God and Nossa Senhora. She will come with me.”

“Maria stays. If you want to go, you go.”

Jacinta lowered her head.

She couldn’t go without Maria.

The days passed.

And once again, Maria was caught in sin.

“Maria, what are you doing?”

“I’m building an altar for Zita. Papai said I can make her a beautiful altar here in my room.”

For Jacinta, that was the last drop.

She grabbed Maria by the hair and dragged her towards the chapel Carlos had built for Nossa Senhora Aparecida.

On the way, she grabbed a thin quince branch.

Inside the chapel, she threw Maria to the ground.

“On your knees. Now.”

“Mamãe, please.”

“I said on your knees. Start praying. As loud as you can. Your father is not here today. Nobody will save you. I want you to pray until I hear truth in your prayers.”

Maria started reciting her mother’s favourite prayer.

Jacinta stood behind her with the switch in her hand.

Every time Maria’s voice weakened, every time Jacinta decided she didn’t sound convinced enough, the branch came down again.

“Jacinta.”

A loud voice behind her.

Then a strong hand closed around her wrist.

She turned.

Carlos was looking at her in a way she had never seen before.

“Get out. Now.”

Jacinta walked outside.

The community was there.

Watching.

Some of them were crying.

She tried to walk farther, but for a moment it felt as though her feet were glued to the ground.

Inside the chapel, Carlos picked up his daughter.

He carried Maria outside and gave her to Alma.

“Take her to the temple. Take care of her.”

Alma took Maria into her arms, kissed her, and whispered that everything was going to be okay.

“Jacinta. Come with me.”

Jacinta followed her husband back to the house.

Carlos placed some money on the table.

“Jacinta, this is all the money I could gather in the city today. Take it. Go live the life you think makes your God happy.”

“But Carlos, I cannot leave you and the children. I’m your wife. And the children need me. They need their mother.”

“They need a mother.”

He looked at her.

“They don’t need an executioner who beats them and tortures them while forcing them onto their knees.”

“Carlos…”

“You will not touch my children again. Now, please leave this sacred ground. Take your things and the money. I’ll help you go down the hill.”

Jacinta packed her things.

She took the money.

Before leaving, she looked towards the house.

“Can I hug my children?”

“No.”

Carlos walked Jacinta down the hill.

Neither of them spoke.

When they reached the bottom, he stopped.

He hugged her.

Then he kissed her forehead.