I touched her hair. Incredibly soft but, at the same time, sturdy. Warm like her skin…

How could hair be warm?

The more I looked at her, the more I felt like I was falling in love.

Stop, Ksenia. You cannot fall in love with her.

Is she even human?

But the more I looked at her, the more I wanted to keep looking at her, and the more I touched her, the more I wanted to be closer to her, to sit closer, to put my head on her legs. I wanted her to touch me…

And so she did. And when she did, I felt a kind of pleasure mixed with yearning that I don’t know properly how to explain. I felt as if I had finally felt what I had always wanted to feel. As if my entire life I had been living missing a touch, a feeling, care, a kind of pleasure that feeds your DNA, your marrow.

I felt pleasure in my bones. I felt it in my marrow. I felt it in the water contained inside my muscles. I felt it in my cells. I felt as if my skin became hydrated.

A pleasure that hydrates…

I’m not even sure if pleasure is the right word. It was stronger. What I felt was physical. As if my body, my organs, my cells were readjusting themselves to her touch.

I suddenly needed a mirror. I felt like everything had changed in me. Even my appearance. The sensation of hydration made my skin feel firmer. I touched my face. The skin was different. I looked at my hands. They looked different.

I looked at her. She understood. She didn’t say anything. She knew what I was feeling.

Was she reading my mind? Had she been listening to me the whole time?

I still couldn’t get used to not being able to speak and, at the same time, knowing that the person in front of me was listening to every thought.

I needed to rest my head on her legs. And so she touched me and slowly let me put my head on her lap, as if she had done that a million times. As if she was used to the reaction she caused in people.

How many people had rested their head on her lap?

My body was reacting. My cells were reacting. The yearning was getting stronger. I wanted to be closer. Closer than I already was. As if some part of my body knew exactly what it needed while my mind had absolutely no idea what was happening.

Is something like this even possible? Does there even exist such an emotional, physical state? Something that feeds not only your body but whatever exists underneath it?

Stop, Ksenia. You are a researcher. An academic. You don’t believe in souls…

But even without believing in souls, the sensation of her touching me moved and changed the chemistry not only of my body, but of something deeper.

Body.
Soul.
Pleasure.
Yearning.

Visceral feelings that have no explanation. Feelings never felt. Emotions that should not be possible. Questions that have no way to be answered…

I must have fallen asleep after she touched me because I woke up already in the car. The driver saw in the mirror that I had woken up and only smiled.

“How did I get here?”

“Oh, you fell asleep, miss, so Maria told me to take you home. You cannot sleep at the temple yet…”

“That was the temple?”

“Yes. I call it a temple, but it’s more of a…”

And he stopped talking.

“It’s more of a what?”

Maybe I asked too rudely.

“I can’t say, miss. I’ll let Maria show you.”

“Show me what?”

“Whatever she finds necessary…”

“Who are you?”

“I’m a driver. What question is that?”

“Okay, but you’re not only a driver.”

“Of course not, miss. I’m also the gardener.”

“That’s not what I meant…”

“You must be tired, miss.”

Yes. He is right. I must be tired. I could still feel on my cheek the warmth of Maria’s touch, and my hair and clothes smelled of her.

Of bakhoor…

We arrived at the beach house in Joá. Alma was waiting for me.

“Do you want me to get cleaned in the sea?”

“I see you are learning fast.”

“Well, I don’t want to go. The water will be cold.”

“The water will be perfect. Go get your mind set at ease by Iemanjá.”

Iemanjá.
The orixá of the sea.

Maria’s father had also gone to wash his mind and find answers by swimming in the sea…

For the first time, I didn’t look at the sea as I always had. A place where you swim when it is hot. A place where you swim and have fun.

For the first time, I looked at the sea and saw it for what it was. A place where you could dive carrying the heaviness of your thoughts and come out with clarity.

I entered the sea. And it felt as if I were being cradled. Rocked slowly, like a baby in someone’s arms while they sing and move gently from one side to the other.

I saw Maria in front of me. Those deep green eyes. The colour of these waters surrounded by the Atlantic Forest.

I felt so relaxed that I could hear, as if the sea itself were singing to me.

Yearning.
Pleasure.

In here all becomes possible. Your mind expands and lets you see beyond what is…

Wait. Where did that thought come from?

I’m not like this. I’m pessimistic. Negative. Logical. Realistic to the extreme.

So why did that thought feel like mine?

I heard a laugh. A warm laugh. And I started laughing too.

For how long? I don’t know. For as long as it was necessary.

I laughed, letting the water of the sea get into my mouth and my nose. Who cares? I’m living. Maybe for the first time.

Is that right?

I got out of the water. I had swum naked. I didn’t care if somebody had seen me. It’s just a body.

I walked back to the house naked, holding only my dress, and went directly to the room to submerge myself inside the herbal bath…

I didn’t think.
I didn’t ask myself questions.
I just did.
I just was.

“Miss Ksenia…”

I woke up under the sheets. Naked. But somehow I didn’t care how I had got there. I didn’t care that I was naked.

I saw.
And I want to continue seeing.
Everything.

Now I’m here and I’m not leaving until I see everything.

“Yes… oh. Good morning.”

“You need to get up. Baba Carlos is waiting for you at the temple.”

“Baba Carlos? You mean Maria’s father?”

“Yes.”

“He is still alive?”

“Of course he is still alive. Your clothes are folded beside the door.”

I dressed. No shoes anywhere. I went downstairs.

“Listen. Is the temple up that hill I can see from the beach?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Well, I will need shoes to walk up there.”

“Shoes will only make it harder.”

“Well, what if I step on something and get hurt? Or if an animal bites me?”

“Are you planning to harm the animals?”

“No, of course not. But if I step on a snake and it bites me?”

“Well, then I suggest you look carefully where you step.”

I started laughing. A nervous, hysterical laugh that I couldn’t control.

“But you don’t understand. I cannot look at the floor all the time. You cannot take everything away from me. My clothes. My shoes. And send me up a hill in the middle of the Atlantic Forest with no protection.”

I felt frustrated. Was it possible that I had no control over anything? I cannot function like this. I’m not like you guys.

“Where I come from I wear pants and a shirt and socks and shoes and I use salt and I understand everything!”

I was crying now. I couldn’t stop talking. I was walking around the room.

“And there are no chairs! There are no chairs anywhere! And where is my bed? There was a bed in my room when I arrived. This morning I woke up under the sheets but there was no fucking bed. What did I sleep on?”

“An esteira de palha.”

“A what?”

“An esteira de palha.”

“What is that?”

“A woven straw mat covered with cotton sheets.”

I stared at her.

“I slept on a straw mat?”

“You slept there only once. Didn’t you wake up fresh?”

“Well… yes, I did, but I want a bed. There was a bed in the room. How come it’s not there anymore?”

“Because you want to see.”

“Okay, but to see I cannot sit on a chair and sleep on a normal bed?”

I was crying. I couldn’t stop.

“And why did I bring all those clothes if I’m wearing only this? What is it?”

“It’s our normal everyday clothing. Roupas de ração.”

She looked at me.

“Clothes are not important now. What is important now is what you will see and the person you will come out as after you have seen it.”

“Well, I want shoes. I’m afraid of the snakes.”

“Snakes don’t know what shoes are and they will get scared and bite you, but they know what feet are and they know feet can’t cause them harm. They won’t bite your feet…”

I looked at her. She looked back at me.

The sea moved somewhere below the house. Behind us, the forest was silent.